Sweet Alma Mater
by Slightly Askew
Summary: Love, laughter and looniness with our three ladies seven years after "Project: A-ko - Final". All Project: A-ko characters are the property of Central Park Media. Original characters are done by myself, with other ones by Atana. I hope you will enjoy this
1. Default Chapter

Time: Seven years after Project A-Ko Final. 

Place: Graviton City, Empire of Japan

Snow. A combination of two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, with a temperature reduced to below thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit. It was crystallized into a rough hexagonal shape, with a variable lifespan, depending on location, outside temperature, and time of year.

Snow. A paradox of nature. Though turning to water when melted, enough of it could transform anyplace into an unfriendly desert of unending white and unyielding cold. As it did to Siberia, Antarctica, and the North Polar Ice Cap.

Snow. A shower of sugar from the sky, frozen stardust falling through puffed clusters of gray laundry lint. The prime ingredient in making snowmen: the prerequisite material for sledding and skiing: the herald for Christmas in the Northern Hemisphere.

It fell in a brief, silent dusting over the whole of southern Japan that November evening. Though half-covered in the gray gauze of the storm clouds, the full moon poured its treasure of silver light upon Graviton City and its prefecture. The city slumbered underneath a drowsy sky, the late-evening commuter traffic sparse that night. The commuter trains also lacked passengers, their cabs almost empty of shoppers and second-shift workers returning home.

In the distance, a soft, mournful sigh of "Hok-kai-do!" blended in with the quiet gusts of wind that rose and fell with the storm's progress.

The Spaceship Hotel and Conference Center, once a mighty star cruiser of a transgalactic kingdom, shut off the lights to its restaurants and shops early. Customers went home unexpected; no one seemed interested in eating out. Many guests returned to their rooms for an early sleep. Even the vigilant Security and Maintenance Teams, former warriors and engineers, were relaxed in the face of an uneventful night.

A cry of "Shi-ka-ku!" drifted with the gusts, gentling to a breeze.

Graviton City's sprawling suburbs were still, untraveled streets sleeping as flurries landed on pavements and lawns. Streetlights seemed eerie and bleak, snowflakes falling past them faster with the plodding minutes.

A wail of "Hon-shu!" fluttered into the air.

The mansion of the Daitokuji family, the newest member of the New World Order clique, stood grave and solemn under the tumult of dandruff from the sky. The fountains slept, their statues like gargoyles of old, keeping watch over the complex.

The name "Kyu-shu!", in lamentation, rose into the lonely night.

An open-air gazebo, added to the complex seven years before, had five shivering figures under its roof. Twelve blazing torches surrounded them inside it, lending more light than heat. Four of them wore dark, hooded robes. Three of the four stood in the rear, each carrying a long flaming torch in her hand. Towering above the rest, the fourth held a silver box in her hands, and standing behind the fifth and central figure. Dressed in a thick white woolen robe, lined with ermine, she knelt before a huge statue by a far wall.

"Cee-ee-ko!" the figure barked, in time with the sound of rubber smacking flesh.

"Cee-ee-ko!" With the second slap, the three torchbearers ran behind the statue, holding the flames above its head.

"CEE-EE-KOH!" With a third and louder slap, the flames were lowered over the head, making the painted yellow curls and flower jewelry above the ears glisten.

"CEE-EE-KOWWWWWW!!!!"


	2. Unofficial Fan Club

Time: One Month Later

It was tucked away in a small side street in the city's northern side. Standing between an antique shop on its left and a used bookstore on its right, the three-story building held the nerve center or DNA Network-Japan. Passersby would glance at the decorated plastic Christmas tree in the waiting room through the frosted window. The branches half-hid a huge framed portrait of English writer and philosopher G.K. Chesterton, his head touched with rays of light from above. A German-made old nativity set replaced any gifts that would have lain at the foot of the tree.

In the rear of the second floor, where the main studios resided, the next edition of the "Fresh Morning Program" was about to begin. Leroy McTamoshanter, network vice-president and engineer/producer of the show, signaled to o his friend behind the glass. His raised right hand counted off the seconds from five to one, pointing to the glass at zero.

"Good morning everyone," the smooth voice began, encouraged by Leroy giving him a "thumbs-up" signal. "This is Ippei Oggi. And you're listening to "Fresh Morning" on DNA Network-Japan, the nation's fastest-growing alternative radio network. It's seven minutes past eight in the morning, as hour three of the show gets underway. I'll be discussing the burning issues of the day from the lay Traditional Catholic, pro-family, and Distributist viewpoints. Your comments, pro or con, are always welcome."

"And for those Japanese speakers listening via short-wave or internet radio," the alarm clock radio blared. "Send me your comments via e-mail at d-n-a-radio at zing-zang-dot-com, and we'll answer you on the air. But first, here's today's uncensored news affecting Graviton City, its prefecture, our nation, the world, and the known universe."

A pillow landed with a loud "FLOP!" on top of the radio, still blabbing away, as A-Ko Magami struggled to get out of bed. She half-slept, spread out on the rumpled bed, dusty visions of term papers crawling through her head. A framed picture of her and Leroy lay under her head, the glass over his head smeared with a bright red lipstick kiss.

The front doorbell rang twice, loud and boisterous, jarring her awake. Blinking blurry eyes, she stretched and yawned, shaking her long flaming mane of thick hair. A third ring of the bell drove her from the bed, her fingers buttoning up her nightshirt. She tiptoed to her room's sliding windows facing the street. Raising the blinds, she gasped at the beguiling frost patterns blanketing the windows. Filtered sunlight dazzled through each leaf of frost.  
She slid the window open, a blast of winter wind making her shiver, whipping through her hair.

"Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo," she mumbled. "F-f-f-freezing this m-m-morning." She peeked outside to see a small figure in front of the house, bundled to the nose in winterwear. An oversized pea-green jacket covered it down to the knees. A fluffy bright-blue floppy hat met a double-wrapped pine-green scarf covering neck and mouth. A pair of wide green eyes stared up at her, anxious.

"C-c-c-Ko?" A-Ko shouted, arms crossed over her chest, shivering. "Is th-th-that you?"

The figure stretched and pulled at the scarf for a long minute, struggling to free her mouth. Her muffled grunts betrayed swelling anger in her voice. A-Ko raised her eyebrows, confused.

"Whoa," C-Ko sighed, straightening her backpack. "Well, who do you think it is, Henry Kissinger?" She stood up on her tiptoes. "Come on, A-Ko, we'll be late for school!"

"You m-m-mean the c-c-c-college."

"School, college, whatever. Hurry u-u-u-u-p!" A-Ko slid the door shut. C-Ko kicked some snow off the walkway. "Best friends since we were seven years old, and she still can't get up on time."

"B-b-best friends since kindergarten," A-Ko mumbled, "and she still waits up for me." She threw on a pair of long-johns, a tan sweater, and blue jeans. While sitting on the bed, putting on her socks, she gazed on the frost-covered windows.

"Mmmmmmm, I sure can't run with her to college today. Those roads look too treacherous. I'd be all right if I slipped and fell, but what would happen to poor C-Ko? She'd be crying for sure. Think, think, think."

She glanced around her room, scanning for an idea. Her eyes fell on a poster of Japan's 2010 Olympic Ski Team. All eleven men and women, three with gold medals around their necks, gave wide smiles to their fans. She looked at the poster, a smile slowly creeping on her face. "Yeah," she whispered, chuckling. "Why not?"

She bounded to the window, slid it open again. "Hey-hey, C-Ko!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out," she blared, arms folded. A-Ko scratched her head. _Sheesh, C-Ko, what's gotten into you today?_

"C-Ko, do ya like skiing?"

"Oh, su-u-u-ure I do," she mocked. "Just thinking about sliding down the side of a mountain, at a hundred kilometers per hour, with just two sticks tied to my feet for protection, sounds real fun." She lifted a leg and pointed at it. "These are the only legs I'll ever have this side of the grave, A-Ko. I don't want 'em busted."

"No problem, buddy. Wait up, I'll be right down." She slid the window shut again.

"What's she up to, anyway?" C-Ko pouted. The sound of objects crashing down stairs followed A-Ko's descent to the front door.

"Later, Dad. Later, Mom," A-Ko shouted as she burst out into the crisp December morning. She was swathed in a red-and-gold striped ski suit and boots, a pair of mini-skis, poles in one hand, and goggles in the other. C-Ko gasped, startled, grabbing her heart.

"A-Ko, you're-you're not gonna play hooky, are you?"

"Are you kidding? I've never played hooky in my life, and I'm not going to start now. This is just another way I'll get to college fast, without waiting for the snowplows to clear the roads."

"You mean - ski down there?"

"Yes, ma'am," she said, squatting to strap her books to her skis.

"Well - well, that's fine for you, but what about me?"

"Simple. Just climb onto my back and hold on tight. I'll get you there."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Sure I am. I'm strong enough to carry you, you know that. Besides, I'll take the main roads today, no short cuts. This way, you'll feel less nervous."

"Promise me you'll be careful," she sighed.

"Always, C-Ko." She wrapped her arms and legs around the redhead's torso, clasping her wrists underneath A-Ko's chest.

"What about your books, A-Ko?"

"That's what lockers are for, buddy. They're included with the tuition cost." She raised herself to her full height, laughing as she put on her goggles.

"What's so funny?"

"I get ticklish when you hold me like that. Are you ready?"

"Ready."

"Here - we - go-o-o-o-o-o!" They pushed through the streets with a swish. The roads ahead twisted and turned, as the pair glided over the frozen roads. A growing wake of snow built behind them, as A-Ko gained speed with each mile.

C-Ko, eyes closed, lay her head against A-Ko's back, feeling the wild winds threatening to steal her hat and scarf. She heard her friend's strong heartbeat pace normally, surprised it didn't race. Her breathing wasn't rapid either, but steady and calm.

"You feeling okay, A-Ko?" she yelled.

"Man, I feel ecstatic!" She handled every curve with ease, her vapory breath flowing from her like smoke from an old locomotive. Buildings and houses melted into a blurred tunnel of color with each mile. The morning sun blazed in glorious fury, the azure sky still streaked with the remains of the night's storm.

"Hey, Hakushu, is that her?" the skinny Jiritsu said, pointing toward the weird ivory wake of snow trailing down the hillside road far away. 

"Should be, Toothpick," he replied, chomping down his third jelly donut. "Nobody else in the world gets to school that way other than her." The beefy head of the construction crew looked over the repair site near the city limits. Two more deep potholes were being filled with the latest formula of instant concrete, guaranteed by the Daitokuji Construction Corporation to fix holes and cracks in an hour at most. The rest of his crew were keeping the snow away from their site, or the cold away from their bones.

"Hey, Glamourboy, get over here!" Hakushu's son, dressed like the rest in his yellow work suit, boots, and hardhat, ran over from the cement truck he minded.

"Yes, Dad."

"Look where Toothpick's pointing. She'll be here in a minute." He shook his head, gazing at the approaching wake.

"I'm surprised the police never snagged her for speeding."

"I'm surprised," Jiritsu said, "that you never snagged her for a date, buddy."

"Get real, Toothpick. I don't even know her name."

"It's A-Ko Magami, ain't that so, Rhino?"

"Age 23, single, goes to Graviton City University. And a redhead to boot."

"A redheaded _onjin_? Dad, you've got to be kidding me."

"You'll see for yourself, son," he said, finishing his donut. Waving his free arm, he got the attention of the rest of the crew.

"Thirty seconds, gentlemen. Get ready." The rest of the crew finished smoothing out the repaired potholes and ran to where Hakushu stood. They made bets among themselves, small wads of yen passing between them.

"Think she'd be running in this weather, boss?" one crewman asked.

"She may be ski-boarding, for all we know."

"That blonde gonna be with her?" said another.

"That's Her Highness, you dope," chided Toothpick. "You wouldn't say anything like that about a member of OUR royal family, would you?"

"Why pay so much attention to a crazy chick like her, Rhino?" asked a third.

"Thanks to her, the city's been able to keep us employed and fixin' stuff. And 'cause of her, I'm able to afford to send my daughter to Osaka University this year. All that overtime helps." He took off his hat in respect. "She's blessing from Above, I'm sure of it."

Without warning, a red-and-gold figure shot out from behind a tall hill a half-mile from them. It climbed into the sky before them, as if launching from a ski jump.

"There she is, fellas!" Rhino roared. "Heeeyyyyyyyyy, A-Ko-o-o-o!"

"Hi-i-i-i-i-i-i, fellah-ah-ah-ahs," came a faint reply, as she and C-Ko soared above them toward the city center. The whole crew cheered and whistled, waving at her.

"She's flying, for cryin' out loud," Glamourboy yelled. Rhino playfully slapped his son on his head. "Thanks for stating the obvious, son."

"Where will she land, boss?"

"Where do ya think?"

"She's headin' in the direction of the Nakashuma Bank," Toothpick cried. "Bet she'll knock it down."

"A thousand yen says she won't," said the first man.

"A thousand yen says she'll hit the Arigato Center," said the second man.

"Five hundred yen says she'll smack the Zakima Apartments," said the third.

"You're all wrong, guys," said Rhino. "It'll be a perfect three-point landing in front of the Nakashuma, causing a deep-enough hole in the street to tie up traffic for a week."

"How much?" the crew crowed.

"Two thousand yen, and a box of donuts on me. Son, get on the truck, and act as our lookout, will ya?"

"Done." Glamourboy bounded through the crew toward his cement truck and clambered onto the top of the cab. He held onto his hardhat, shading his eyes with his other hand.

"Whaddaya see, buddy?" asked Toothpick.

"She flew over the Arigato - and the Zakima - and the Nakashuma too. Sheesh, is she on steroids or what?"

"Play-by-play, son, not commentary, all right?"

"Yes, Dad," he said, rolling his eyes. "She's descending now - arms outspread to balance herself - what a pro, really - she's approaching the Daitokuji Mortgage Corporation building."

"Serious?" said the crew.

"In fact, she's - yes, she's landing right beside the Hikaru Daitokuji statue in front of the building. And there it goes, head first - right into the first-floor lobby."

The whole crew cheered, gave each other high-fives. A chant of "A-Ko! A-Ko!" rose from them, full-throated and happy.

"Lu-u-u-u-u-uv that redhead," Rhino yelled, blowing a kiss toward the city center.


	3. Snow Tidalwave

"Hey, A-Ko?" C-Ko cried behind her. "Who were those guys you said 'Hi' to?"

"I guess they're my unofficial fan club, C-Ko. I've been saying 'Hi' to them for five years now."

"You got a fan club? No way. Maybe they got an infatuation for redheads," the Princess giggled. "How much further to the college?"

"Just another minute, and we should be there."

She thrust her poles into the soft snow, the powerful poles propelling the two women. The wake of ivory crystals behind them grew again, higher with every minute.

* * *

It stood alone in the middle of the college common, bare and sleeping trees on either side. Those few students trudging their way to class stopped for a moment to gaze at an "angry" snowman. Twice the size of regular ones, this one was made of plastic; steam slipped out of its nose and ears.

The steam flew from the fifth bowl of beef ramen noodle soup D ate. It was piping hot, straight out of the micro-microwave portable oven the Alpha Cygnans designed and built the year before. The spy sat on it inside the cramped space, grateful to be eating her meal bought the night before at the Hotel. Just able to use the chopsticks in those tight quarters, the Cygnan spy slurped her meal with relish. "Mmmmm," she hummed, chewing. "Doctor Stellamaris was right after all. Dem guys at 'Noodles Apocalypse' do whip up good soup. Next time I'll try the shrimp-flavored."

Bundled up in her fur parka and snowsuit, D waited to spot her Princess entering Graviton City University grounds. She felt sure she'd go unnoticed THIS time, hidden within the plastic snowman. When Her Highness passed her checkpoint, she'd make her report to the Captain.

"Another winter," she sighed between sips of broth. "Dis planet just gets me down. Maybe I'm gettin' old."

She drew up a pair of zoom binoculars from her parka, put them to the rear of the snowman's fake eyes. She turned the head one way, then the other; resting her gaze toward the main road leading into the campus. The head was now pointed backwards.

"Maybe she won't come here today," she thought aloud, as a small wave of snow approached her position. It drew closer, swift in speed, growing in size like a tsunami. D gasped as the loud, rumbling wave engulfed her, everything growing dark in an instant.

* * *

"Whoo-hoo," A-Ko exclaimed, flinging off her goggles and shaking her hair. "And that's how you slow down to a stop, C-Ko. What do you think of skiing now?"

"Cool!"

"It just takes time, patience, and careful practice. You'll get the hang of it."

"Neat," the Princess added, as A-Ko squatted low to let her off her back. C-Ko hugged her neck, kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks, A-Ko."

"No problem," she replied, hugging back.

"What will you do with your skis?"

"Lockers, C-Ko. Lockers."

"Yeah, right, I forgot. What classes do you have today?"

"Let's see if I remember. I have a class on Classical Japanese Literature, then one on _'The Gulag Archipelago' _by Solzhenitsyn. What about you?"

"I got Geometry Made Easy, then another session of Remedial Home Economics."

"What! You're still taking R.H.E.?"

"Yes, A-Ko," she said, bowing her head.

"But -- but you've been kept behind in that class for three years in a row. Even I took it with you once. What's holding you back?"

"That mean Mr. Suzuki still thinks my ramen soup tastes like -- well, he used a dirty word, A-Ko."

"Oooooh," she growled. "That man IS a dirty word! Look, usually on big snow days, it's a half-day. After class, we'll walk back to my house and call up our boyfriends, okay?"

"Yeah," C-Ko said, lifting her head, emerald eyes twinkling. "I like these double-dates. Will we meet here after class?"

"You bet. Oh, hold on a second." She turned to face the sparkling hill of snow made from her slowing down in her travels. Taking a deep breath, she blew the snow into the air, each flake dancing its way into the clear morning sky. A battered, big plastic snowman remained, its carrot nose and top hat bent to crazy angles.

"Sorry, D," A-Ko shouted. "No offense intended."

"None taken," D sighed aloud.

"Seeyalater, D," C-Ko giggled, as she and her friend ran to their classes. The Cygnan lifted up her head, snowman head still head on her, saluting her Princess.


	4. The Double Date

It was one in the afternoon, the winter sun still blinding white, defiant of winter's grip.

Two men, each with a small bouquet of flowers in hand, stood before A-Ko's house. Both were bundled up in winter wear, dark clothing covered by long black coats. Leroy adjusted his ten-gallon hat, cast a sideways glance at Ippei.

"You're kiddin' me," the American said. "A supermarket."

"Of course," came a low reply. "I'm serious."

"A supermarket!"

"What about it?"

"Man, I -- I just can't believe my ears."

"A'intcha got an imagination, Elroy?"

"Leroy."

"Whatever."

"Ippei, we in Distributism oppose shopping at supermarkets and chain stores on a principle. Y'know, to support the little stores against the big boys. It just makes me feel like a hypocrite doin' this."

"You shouldn't," Ippei said in his normal squeaky voice. "You're the least hypocritical _gaijin_ I've ever known."

"Then please tell me why we're taking the girls to a supermarket opening."

"Several reasons," he began, fixing the bright red earmuffs over his green baseball cap. "One is journalistic. Daitokuji Agricultural Goods and Resources -- DAGGR for short -- is set to open its first-ever supermarket in the city center. Translated from the Japanese, it's called -- get this -- '_The Happy Stomach_'."

"Dumbest name I've ever heard. Makes me retch just thinkin' 'bout it."

"That's not the half of it. Rumors have been floating through the Internet that this store's produce section is totally genetically engineered. That's a news story right there."

"What?" Leroy gasped, turning to face him. "No jokin'?"

"Nope. Not a natural nectarine or an organic onion in the place. Who knows what possible health hazards may result? What will this do to harm biodiversity in our fruit and vegetable supply?"

"Yeah, and Distributism's been against lab farming from day one. Lord have mercy. Go on."

"Second reason's romantic. It shows A-Ko and C-Ko that we love them enough to help them with food shopping. There's a certain thrill I get knowing C-Ko and I can do price comparisons on cornmeal together."

"You're weird, Ippei."

"Thank you. Final reason's economic. It's one of the cheapest places to take them this week, and it's easy to reach by bus."

"Since when have you become this penny-pinching regarding 'Baby Sister' and A-Ko?" he asked, folding his arms.

"Have you looked at the network's budget this month?"

"Yeah."

"Have you looked at our paychecks this week?"

"Yeah."

"In your mind's eye, remove the amount for our bills and savings." Leroy rubbed his chin for a moment, then groaned.

"YUCK!"

"As I've always said, my _gaijin_ friend; in Japan, everything's expensive except breathing. And don't be too sure about breathing either. Hee-hee-hee-hee."

The door of A-Ko's house opened, as C-Ko peeked out to spy on the two men outside. Her green eyes dazzled when she caught sight of her love. "Ippei!" she shouted, arms outstretched, still wearing her winter gear.

"C-Ko-o-o-o-o-OOOF!" The Princess buried his mouth in her kiss as she rushed into his open arms. The brim on his hat bent skyward, his arms froze in mid-air, one fist still holding the bouquet. His eyes stuck wide open, pupils shrunk to pinpoints. Leroy chuckled and patted C-Ko's head.

"How-do, Baby Sister. Feelin' okay?"

"Mmmmm-hmmmmmm," she murmured, nodding her head, still deep in her kiss.

"Y'all ready to go?"

"Mmmmm-hmmmmmm."

"Mind if I call A-Ko out here?"

"Hmmmm," she hummed, shrugging.

"As you wish. Say-hey, A-Ko!"

"C-Ko," came a voice from within the house. "Shut the door, will you? Mom and Dad are complaining about the draft." She came out in her jumpsuit and boots, carrying her purse. She stopped, smiling at seeing Leroy. He took off his hat, covering his heart with it as he bowed.

"If that draft was the hot air from my big mouth, I apologize." A-Ko giggled, bounded over C-Ko to him, and slid into his embrace. Her kiss melted into his mouth, her arms wrapped around his chest as if it was a lifejacket.

"Oh, Leroy," she said after a long minute. "I want you so bad, you loving hunk of dynamite."

"Seven years of double-dating, and every kiss is still like the first one -- a touch of sweet witchcraft."

"Come on inside and see the folks. We'll leave in a half-hour." Taking his hand, A-Ko led Leroy into the house. A moment later, they walked out again.

"Ah -- C-Ko?"

The Princess sighed, still deep in her kiss.

"Um -- excuse me, Ippei?"

He folded his open arms around her, rolling up his eyes as he closed them. A whinnying sound emanated from his throat, a cross between his laugh and the cooing of a dove.

"Oh boy," A-Ko sighed. "They're gone."

"Yeah, long gone."

"Well, let's carry them inside. We don't want to drive up the heating bill, do we?"


	5. The Surreal Supermarket

The cut blue ribbon hung limp on either end of the automatic doors. Two mechanical clowns stood at either end, frozen plastic smiles on garish faces faking fits of laughter. They waved their hands to each other, bowing still and low when customers passed by. The store logo, a stylized stomach with two black-dot eyes and a wavy smile, was pasted on their fat bellies.

"Welcome to The Happy Stomach!" squawked the black voice boxes under their feet. "EEE-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk!"

"That's it?" A-Ko asked, standing before the entrance door-clown. "You call this customer service? No real live human customer greeters, unlike other stores."

"Sad, ain't it?" Leroy said. "So much for progress."

"I think it's creepy," C-Ko added.

"And I'm getting it all on my micro-video camera," said Ippei. He held a thick, ball-point-pen-sized object to his eye. "As soon as I can, I'll put this stuff on our website."

"But -- but it's traditional to have those pretty door-greeter girls at big markets like this. I mean, you'd never get away with this in Tokyo or Osaka." A-Ko turned to face Leroy. "To my mind, this is un-Japanese." The clown above her lightly rubbed its fist across her thick bangs, laughing at the same time. She froze, stunned.

"Th-th-th-that thing j-j-j-just gave me a noogie!"

"Let's get y'all inside before it does somethin' else," roared Leroy. The quartet rushed inside the market, and ripped a shopping cart from its row. They whisked through the dairy section, snagging milk jugs and cheese as they went. Next was the noodle and rice aisle, with stiff squares of ramen thrown into the cart. They came to a screeching halt at the meat section, gasping for breath, arms hanging over the counter's edge. Their collective breath fogged up the display windows.

"Lord have mercy," Leroy blurted, getting to his feet. "This is waaaaaay too crazy." He looked over the wrapped packages of beef and pork, searching for the right cut. "I could kick myself for shame," he murmured. "Seven years in Japan and I still can't decipher half the words on these things." He picked up a package. "This could be flank steak or pot roast, for all I know."

"Don't fret, honey," A-Ko said, brushing dust off her knees. "You're not the only one who has problems with Japanese. Our language has four 'alphabets', for lack of a better word. And we do sometimes mix them up in writing and printing."

"But still," said Ippei. "I think it is nothing compared to learning English. I mean, it has only twenty-six letters and forty-four sounds. Simple compared to our stuff."

"Those four you know," A-Ko said. "I mean, hiragana, katakana, romaji, and the Chinese-style characters."

"But those few building blocks make up one of the world's most complex and frustrating languages. To this day, it is still one of the hardest to learn anywhere. Right, A-Ko?"

"Oh, Ippei, don't get me started. Leroy, just take the word 'ate', as in 'I ate some rice.' That is the same sound found in the number 'eight'. Different word, same sound. No big deal to you, perhaps, being a native speaker. But to everyone else, that's one tip of a big iceberg."

"And I wonder about the word 'zucchini'," C-Ko added. "I think it's spelled funny."

"How so?" Leroy asked.

"The 'c-h' in the word doesn't say anything. It looks like it should be pronounced 'zuk-CHEE-nee', don't you think?"

Ippei stopped up his mouth, suppressing a sudden flood of giggles.

"Stop it, Ippei," A-Ko chided. "Only girls cover their mouths when they laugh."

"I dunno, C-Ko. You'd have to ask the Italians. We borrowed the word from them."

"Oh? When will you give it back?" Ippei buried his face in his coat, as giggles became guffaws. Sighing, A-Ko took the meat package from Leroy, plopping it back into the case.

"Attention, shoppers," came a voice from the overhead speakers. "Stop by our beer and wine aisle for our inaugural weekly liquor special: an ice-cold six-pack of Democracy Beer. Japan does have its problems, and its biggest one is YOU!"

"WHAT?" A-Ko yelped.

"But that's okay, because you drink Democracy Beer. It's the only alcoholic beverage that insults its customer base every single time, and gets away with it. A six-pack is only nine hundred yen, this week only at The Happy Stomach. Buy something today, or else we'll shoot you!"

The store went dead silent, as all heads turned toward the speaker.

"Sorry, folks, just kidding. Thanks for shopping at The Happy Stomach! EEE-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk!"

"Huh?" A-Ko asked, hands on hips. "Is that guy on acid?"

"Fluoride in his tap water, I'll bet," Leroy murmured.

"What the heck?" C-Ko spat out. A-Ko gasped, mouth open.

"C-Ko, how could you? Watch your tongue." The Princess blushed, bowed her head.

"I'm sorry, A-Ko."

"Hold on a second, honey," Leroy said. "I hate to say this, but I've heard worse -- much worse -- than what C-Ko said."

"Me too, A-Ko," Ippei chimed in. "That phrase won't even classify as a cuss word today."

"Yeah, but we're talking C-ko here."

The men stared at her, then at each other, and then at C-Ko. She lifted up her head and smiled.

"Good point," they said. C-Ko shrugged and stuck her hands into her jacket pockets.

"Hey, we're not trying to gang up on you, C-Ko," A-Ko said, walking to her side. She put her arm around her shoulders. "We just don't want you to end up -- well, corrupted."

"Who, me?"

"It starts with the bad words, and goes on down from there. And you're got that something in you, something innocent and special we don't want to lose. Me and the guys have to deal with the gunk within our hearts every day. We just don't want to see you going through the same thing we do. That's why I freaked out like I did, and I'm sorry."

"Awwww, A-Ko." The Princess leaned her head on her friend's heart. Flashing lights drew their attention to the produce section. A gaggle of photographers snapped pictures of the produce manager. He gave them a wide smile, his thumbs stretching his overall suspenders.

"That's where our story lies, Elroy."

"Leroy."

"Whatever. Come on, you guys. I need video footage to nail these goobers to the wall."

"Hold on, Ippei." C-Ko pulled some crumpled paper from her jacket pocket and flattened it on A-Ko's chest. "Let's see. My grocery list says I need some bok choy, watercress, kale, and ... yeah, dandelion leaves. Then I can fix up my Mystery Salad properly."

"Is that your next assignment for R.H.E.?" A-Ko asked.

"Yup, and I hope it'll keep Mr. Suzuki off my back. Oh, by the way, do you know if dandelion leaves still taste bitter if they're steamed in vinegar?"

"Ahhhh -- don't ask me, C-Ko. I never ate 'em before."

"No? Then don't you worry. I'll make a second Mystery Salad, with lots of them in it -- just for YOU."

Laughing, she skipped her way to produce, dragging Ippei behind her. A-Ko turned to Leroy, and leaned her head against his heart. "Honey, dare I ask 'why me'? Should I?"

"Not 'less you're prepared to hear the answer. By the way, I don't have it."

"You're right," she sighed, hugging his waist. "I'm not ready."

"Yes, yes, I know of what I speak," the produce manager said to the photographers. He slid a few thin strands of black hair over his fat bald head. "After all, I've been involved in produce for twenty years, managing in different stores. I've seen every form of food fad pass by me, both good and bad. But this is more than a fad, it is a revolution."

"Most of the produce you'll see here -- about ninety-two percent -- is genetically engineered. But it isn't just any run-of-the-mill splice-and-dice job, noooooosir. The engineered produce was all grown from the seed up, using a top-secret patented process known as the Intelli-Plant Process. Each fruit and vegetable not only knows when to ripen, but also how to stay ripe, how to retain moisture and vitamins. They even know how to best resist diseases and blights which plague them, without any outside intervention."

He stuck out his right hand toward the bins and aisles, filled to overflowing. "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, DAGGR presents to you the Future of Agriculture."

"Hap-py lit-tle car-rots, wal-king down the street," the Princess sang behind him. He spun around and spied a pair of the long orange roots seeming to dance above a pile of turnips. "Hap-py lit-tle car-rots, good e-nough to eat."

He cringed at the wave of low chuckles behind his back from the media pack. He barely noticed a tall redhead in a snowsuit whiz by him toward the carrots. "C-Ko, what are you doing?" she shouted. The Princess "walked" the vegetables down the side of the bin, as if they were legs.

"Cute lit-tle car-rots, wal-king down the street --- ."

"C-Ko," A-Ko chided, fists on hips. "I asked you what you're doing."

"Havin' fun with 'em," she answered, a carrot in each hand.

"They're not toys. People are going to eat them, y'know."

"Then why do folks use them for snowmen's noses? Isn't that treatin' them as toys?"

"C-Ko, it doesn't justify -- "

"Maybe not, but does that justify treating them like dirt? Where would Irish stews or American Thanksgiving dinners be without 'em? Chinese veggie stir-fry dishes wouldn't be the same without 'em. Garden salads would be less colorful without 'em. Bunnies have loved 'em for centuries, so they don't find 'em boring, do they?"

"But -- "

"Have some respect for 'em, A-Ko. Carrots are people too, ya know." The Princess lay the carrots down on the bin, then walked away singing her tune. A-Ko turned her back to it and raised her eyes.

"Age 23, and she STILL plays with her food," she groaned. "This is too silly to be a dream." The pair of carrots rose up and walked to the other side of the bin. "I guess I just have a low level of tolerance for the weird." Ippei walked up to her side and cupped his hand by her ear.

"Psssst, A-Ko. I just shot some footage of -- get this -- BRIGHT BLUE bell peppers in the middle bin."

"You're joshin' me, right? Blue?"

"I wish I was. Take a look for yourself. Leroy's there right now, taping the shoppers' reactions. And they don't sound good."

"Blue peppers? That's unnatural!"

"ATTENTION SHOPPERS," the overhead speakers wailed. "Stop by our seafood and sushi section for your share of 'Green in the Gills' Krill Grill Thrillers. Now you too can enjoy eating the same tiny Antarctic shrimp-like thingies that whales ingest by the ton every day. Each ten-krill serving is wrapped in seafood substitute made from spirulina, the edible algae, ready to put on your indoor grill for an unusual taste treat. A half-kilo box is on sale for 2500 yen, this week only. Buy some today, or we'll arrest you for having racist, sexist, homophobic, Eurocentric, fascist, patriarchal, or Judaeo-Christian viewpoints!"

"What?" everyone yelped.

"Man, are we good at messing up your minds or WHAT? Thanks for shopping at The Happy Stomach! EEEE-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk!"

"Oh, why don'tcha do the First Amendment a favor and shuddup?" Leroy griped aloud from the peppers bin, pointing an angry finger at the ceiling. Some shoppers behind him murmured their agreement with him.

"We don't have to, stupid," the speaker blared back. "We don't have a First Amendment here. Besides, we're running the globe, and you're not! Ha-ha-ha!"

"For the moment, mister. Not forever."

"Awwww, gee," Ippei said, pushing the shopping cart toward the bin. "I'll bet George Orwell never dreamed of this. Interactive speakers." A-Ko slipped behind him, picked up a pepper. She spun it under her nostrils and made a face.

"You weren't kidding, Ippei. It doesn't even have that earthy, spicy odor bell peppers are supposed to have. Even looks like it's made of plastic." She flipped it back in the bin and turned toward the squashes. She spied C-Ko's oversized jacket shaking in front of the bright yellow spaghetti squash.

"Hey, C-Ko, what's wrong?"

"I'll take care of this, A-Ko," Ippei said, sliding to his girlfriend's side. "Sweetheart, are you okay?"

"Here, honey, take a listen." Removing his earmuffs, she put a squash over his left ear.

"I don't hear anything, C-Ko. What gives?"

"I've shaken it and shaken it, and I STILL don't hear any spaghetti sauce sloshin' around." He covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. "C-Ko, if they put the sauce inside the squash, there would be no room for the seeds." She blinked, mouth open, as his reply sank in. "Hey, I never thought of that."

"Besides, most spaghetti sauce is made from tomatoes. If there was sauce inside them, they wouldn't be squash any more."

"Good point," she said, putting the squash back. "I'm so lucky to have you, Ippei." She cupped his chin in her hands, while the squash wiggled up to the top of the bin. "You're too good for me, really." He bowed his head, blushing.


End file.
